Ponderings

It's a dark dreary day. Cold, wet and rainy, gray. Fits my mood perfectly. It's a "soup" kind of day. Think I will drag out one of those quarts of beans and the ham I have in the frig and make some for supper.

Woke up feeling like the wrong side of the bed. I don't mean to be cranky. I'm just tired of people using me and throwing me under the bus. I try to help and I get used for it, taken advantage of. My sister once told me that we (she and I) were "not on the list". In other words, others always came first and we never mattered. I feel like that a lot. Jesus said we were to serve others, be servants, that the first would be last and the last would be first. However, it would be nice to have people think about how I feel once in awhile. Don't get me wrong. I love to be able to help others. It's the being "used and abused" that gets old.

Things I wish:
1. That, above all, my family were all saved and living for God.
2. That I would have a closer relationship with my Lord.
3. That I had a better relationship with certain members of my family.
4. That I wasn't in debt.
5. That I wasn't always feeling bitter and resentful.
6. That I wasn't in such lousy physical shape.
7. That I was THIN.
8. That I could feel free - to be happy, to love more, to forgive more, to laugh more.
9. That I could go on a missionary trip to some place like Peru.
10. That I could just get rid of all the encumberances of life - all that STUFF I think I need or want.
11. That I could live simply - out in the country on a quiet little farm (surrounded by pine filled mountains) where I could have my own garden full of veggies and herbs. Maybe raise a few chickens and have a couple of dogs and cats, and a horse or two.
12. That I could give up the computer, internet, tv, telephone, and electricity - except for essentials like a washing machine and a refrigerator.

I want a quiet, peace-filled life. It is the complete opposite of what I have - which is drama and chaos. I don't think God meant us to live in such disharmony.